Nursing - My Experience
I have always thought that I would nurse my babies (I arrogantly thought that all good mothers did). Besides being the perfect food for them, breast milk is convenient and free (which was a huge appeal for me). I will admit that when I heard women say "I tried nursing, but it just didn't work out for us" I secretly judged them and thought "you must not have tried hard enough." I was prepared for nursing to be difficult, but I was also determined to do whatever it took. Boy was I humbled.
All of the books and pamphlets about breastfeeding show a (clean, well put together) smiling mother lovingly gazing into her content infant's eyes as he effortlessly ate...so beautiful. My real-life picture was vastly different. Imagine me in my pajamas, without a shower (for probably three days), sobbing as I tried to get my screaming baby to latch on. I was positive he was going to starve to death. I thought "this is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world! Your only job on this earth is to suck, child--why won't you JUST EAT?!" During delivery, Joel swallowed lots of junk and therefore had kind of an upset tummy and didn't feel hungry. This got us off to a slow start. Then he wouldn't stay awake long enough to eat. At one point I was feeding him expressed breast milk with a medicine dropper just to get something in his empty belly. I hadn't even ordered my breast pump yet because I didn't think I would need it until I went back to work part-time, and that was three months away. We were making almost daily trips back to the hospital to meet with the Lactation Consultant. When I finally got my pump, I cried uncontrollably the first time I had to use it as Mike gave Joel a bottle. I felt like a complete failure as a mother. I couldn't even feed my own child! He didn't need me! This was also during the time when he wasn't sleeping at all during the night--I was a mess. With the help of the Lactation Consultant (who was absolutely amazing), we finally got him to latch on with the help of a shield. This was supposed to be a temporary aid in training him to latch...he never did eat without it. I had finally accepted that, even though it was a major inconvenience to have to mess with the shield, at least he was nursing so I was happy.
We had more frequent than usual doctor's appointments to monitor his weight since he got off to such a slow start. Just when I thought things were under control, we learned that he had only gained 5oz. in a month. I just wasn't producing enough for him (So I was starving my child). I then decided to supplement with formula every other feeding (while pumping at the same time to keep my supply up) for one week to see how he did. He gained something like 11oz. that week. I did everything imaginable to boost my supply, including setting my alarm for every two hours to pump, drinking gallons of water, eating oatmeal every day and taking a nasty herbal supplement that literally made me sick. I struggled and fought with Joel to get him off the shield, he just absolutely would not eat without it. The thought of giving up made me cry...as did the thought of continuing. When he was five months old we decided to switch to formula completely. He was already taking a bottle after every feeding because I wasn't producing enough to satisfy him. It felt like...what's the point? It was a disappointment and a relief at the same time. Even though I knew I gave it everything I had, I still felt some shame and guilt.
All of the books and pamphlets about breastfeeding show a (clean, well put together) smiling mother lovingly gazing into her content infant's eyes as he effortlessly ate...so beautiful. My real-life picture was vastly different. Imagine me in my pajamas, without a shower (for probably three days), sobbing as I tried to get my screaming baby to latch on. I was positive he was going to starve to death. I thought "this is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world! Your only job on this earth is to suck, child--why won't you JUST EAT?!" During delivery, Joel swallowed lots of junk and therefore had kind of an upset tummy and didn't feel hungry. This got us off to a slow start. Then he wouldn't stay awake long enough to eat. At one point I was feeding him expressed breast milk with a medicine dropper just to get something in his empty belly. I hadn't even ordered my breast pump yet because I didn't think I would need it until I went back to work part-time, and that was three months away. We were making almost daily trips back to the hospital to meet with the Lactation Consultant. When I finally got my pump, I cried uncontrollably the first time I had to use it as Mike gave Joel a bottle. I felt like a complete failure as a mother. I couldn't even feed my own child! He didn't need me! This was also during the time when he wasn't sleeping at all during the night--I was a mess. With the help of the Lactation Consultant (who was absolutely amazing), we finally got him to latch on with the help of a shield. This was supposed to be a temporary aid in training him to latch...he never did eat without it. I had finally accepted that, even though it was a major inconvenience to have to mess with the shield, at least he was nursing so I was happy.
We had more frequent than usual doctor's appointments to monitor his weight since he got off to such a slow start. Just when I thought things were under control, we learned that he had only gained 5oz. in a month. I just wasn't producing enough for him (So I was starving my child). I then decided to supplement with formula every other feeding (while pumping at the same time to keep my supply up) for one week to see how he did. He gained something like 11oz. that week. I did everything imaginable to boost my supply, including setting my alarm for every two hours to pump, drinking gallons of water, eating oatmeal every day and taking a nasty herbal supplement that literally made me sick. I struggled and fought with Joel to get him off the shield, he just absolutely would not eat without it. The thought of giving up made me cry...as did the thought of continuing. When he was five months old we decided to switch to formula completely. He was already taking a bottle after every feeding because I wasn't producing enough to satisfy him. It felt like...what's the point? It was a disappointment and a relief at the same time. Even though I knew I gave it everything I had, I still felt some shame and guilt.
Looking back, though I wish I could have nursed for whole year, I am proud of myself for sticking it out for five months under the circumstances. I have a happy, healthy, beautiful little boy who is growing and thriving--what more could I ask for? I have to admit, aside from the breast feeding battle and the exhaustion of the first six weeks, I have had it very easy. I absolutely LOVE being a mom! That time was such a short season in the grand scheme of things (I'm sure my most challenging days are ahead of me). I would have to say that nursing was the most humbling experience of my life. I am definitely less judgemental having gone through it myself. To all of the moms who have felt shame for bottle feeding--I understand. You can still be a great mom without breast feeding.
posted by Jules @ 2:22 PM
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